doubt kills

doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will ----

The first time I read this quote it was on my sister's website for her new company, Cloth Shop, she launched a few months ago. Check it out. 

We both decided we wanted to start our own businesses. She chose clothes. I chose food. Its the perfect combo. We both will bounce ideas off each other, #creativejuiceflow, ya know.

Anyway, we both started our businesses differently. I had an idea, and the next week I started baking and creating a logo. She spent two years dreaming and thinking and figuring out all the kinks until she loved it and then launched all at once. I guess that describes our different personalities a bit.. I think its a good balance.

 nope, not twins :)

nope, not twins :)

Opening a bakery wasn't always my dream.

About three years ago this December my dream had come to an end. It felt like a really good movie suddenly taking a sharp turn and ending in the worst possible way you didn't think was possible, like La La Land. I was in tears. 

For six years I wanted to be a nurse. I didn't pass three classes my first semester and went back two semesters later, retook the classes, passed, and then didn't pass one of my classes by 1% and was removed from the program.

Yeah, I was fed up.

All of a sudden failure defined me and I didn't know who I was.

Its weird sometimes when your dreams become your identity. I'm still trying to figure out how to process that because I believe your dreams come from who you are, but I also believe when they end it shouldn't completely change who you are.

Maybe dreams are so precious they should be held with open hands.

I was really mad for awhile, really mad. Mostly because I felt like I let everybody down. Everybody who was cheering for me and who had been supporting me for six years to become something I thought I was supposed to be.

People told me not to give up on my dream. So, I looked at other programs and tried to figure out a solution, but all I wanted to do was graduate and be done. I started to believe every discouraging word and negative comment I'd ever heard. When I  fail at something, I start to believe all the negativity, all the can'ts and won'ts, and the should haves. 

People sympathized for awhile, but sympathy wears off and they expect you to get back to normal, but you never do. It wasn't until a year later that I received empathy about it. 

Empathy is different.

Empathy listens.

Empathy doesn't try to make you feel better.

Empathy makes you feel known.

I would love to be able to say that I'm over it and moved on. I checked off being angry and grieving, but haven't really gotten over it. I don't know if I ever will or if I am ever supposed to? Are you supposed to get over your failures? What would be the point of experiencing them?

I blamed everything on my failure. My mood, attitude, motivation you name it. I'm not saying I experienced the biggest failure of all time, but it was definitely a low point in my life.

I decided to stop trying to get over it and use it. Use it to grow. Use it to learn. Maybe by sharing it now, I can use the empathy I received to show empathy to someone in similar shoes.

Fast forward to 2017. 

My friend's birthday was coming up and I just love going all out for birthdays so I decided to bake this amazing cake with cannoli's on top because she loves a good cannoli and put an entire cookie layer in the middle because she loved my almond butter chocolate chip cookies. I had no idea how much time I needed to bake this thing. Long story short... I under baked it, didn't have time to let it cool so I iced it while it was still warm...basically did all the things you aren't supposed to do to bake a nice cake.

Honestly, it looked like shit in my opinion, but flavor and taste always wins over looks ;)

So I baked this cake and everybody loved it.

A good friend of mine even asked me to make her wedding cake.

Two more friends told me to start by own business.

I was on cloud nine.

I couldn't believe what was happening. For years people had been telling me to start my own bakery, but I thought they were all talk. I also didn't think I ever had it in me to start my own business, but that will be another story later.

The first thing I did was think of a name. Since I was a kid I wanted to include my middle name in my future-whatever-business because how cool does Coe sound on the end of something?

Baking Coe. Bakery

I've had doubts about baking for 12 years, it killed my dream. I had doubts about nursing school for 6 years, it killed my dream. Experiencing failure gave me the greatest gift, the gift of knowing that even when the pain of failure feels like it will kill you, taking the risk is what can bring you to life. 


thanks for reading.